The guilt trap.
Accept and rise above…
I’d like to take a moment to look at a very powerful disempowerment.
G U I L T
I’m not talking about criminal guilt, I’m talking about the guilt one is sometimes made to feel.
Let’s look at the words we use when we describe the process.
“If I feel guilty about something, I’m going to judge myself and try to repair or make it up, so I can set myself free“
Even though we are on a different level, we use the very the same words we use for criminals.
We treat ourselves like criminals, we go through our own personal trial in which we decide what our sentence should be.
And the parallel makes awful sense… When you think about it, prison rarely turns into a learning experience ! Most of the time it teaches people how to do more of what they did. And when former criminals are set free, their record will not be cleared.
So what’s the point in treating ourselves so harshly when it’s not even effective with actual criminals?
What’s the point of feeling guilty if it’s not doing us any good, if it’s not helping us to grow ?
Does my guilt for eating too much or poorly help me eat healthier ?
Does my guilt for any mistake made at work help me find the solution to the problem ?
Does my guilt for not calling my family often enough make me pick up the phone ?
On a personal growth level, guilt is useless.
Guilt is a toxic trip that only leads to a trap !!
And it’s written so deep in our cells by our culture, our traditions, our beliefs that we almost instinctively take the guilt trip and end in the guilt trap as if there is no other possibility.
There is only one exit I know.
A three step exit : accountability, forgiveness and gratitude.
ACCOUNTABILITY is the first step.
How I am actively or passively participating in my own drama ?
Ask yourself the question and take a moment to acknowledge the answer.
Being accountable for something doesn’t make me guilty, it doesn’t mean it’s my fault. It means I have my share of responsibility in the situation I’m complaining about.
Conscious or not. I have my share and that’s OK.
Not taking my share comes down to either carrying it all (which is impossible, who is responsible for everything in any given situation ?) or suffer from it more than I should.
Neither of these options will make me grow.
Responsibility is what makes me grow.
No matter what I’ve done, no matter how bad it is or has been, taking a step back to look at the situation and acknowledge my participation is the foundation of an adult relationship.
It’s the first step. It’s a tremendously powerful step.
When I’m able to look at something without trying to blame or shame anyone or anything, when I’m able to look at it more factually, I’m already one step out of the guilt trap.
Feels better doesn’t it?
I’m now ready to take the next step.
FORGIVENESS
In order to forgive myself, I need to understand what was the good I wanted to do.
What purpose was I serving ?
I know it didn’t end up well, but I need to remember what I was trying to do.
We all make mistakes by trying to do good.
“Hell is paved with good intentions” they say…
There is often a conflict between what I think I’m doing and the purpose I’m actually serving.
What I’m serving is harder to perceive because it is happening on a very subtle level, not always on conscious levels.
For example, when I choose not to tell the truth about something to my family (it doesn’t have to be huge or dramatic), I may believe I’m protecting them, or saving them time. But if I look closer at it, I realize that I’m protecting myself from other people’s judgment, or saving my own time by avoiding giving any explanation. Hiding this truth to my loved ones will keep it away from my reality and help me not having to really deal with it.
Bringing it to consciousness can help understand some contradictions I may live.
There is always a reason.
It’s not an excuse.
It’s a reason.
My current situation may trigger the memory of a danger or a discomfort which will activate a reaction.
An obsolete reaction that most certainly used to be very helpful.
The ghost print of this discomfort or danger activates the reaction.
This is what needs to be forgiven and unplugged.
Don’t worry, you’re almost out of the guilt trap now, you’ve done the hardest part of the job.
Are you ready for the final step?
GRATITUDE
It’s time to look at the part of my history I’ve just unveiled and give it absolute gratitude.
It served its purpose on its own time.
Time has only changed.
It’s no longer needed.
I can thank myself for behaving properly when it was required.
I may now forgive myself for still behaving the same way when it’s no longer needed and let go of the whole story with love and gratitude.
Make it fun, make it beautiful. You’ve just grown out of something huge. You’ve dissolved a pattern.
Give yourself a present, you deserve it.
It takes practice, every time guilt will show up, I’ll have to go through the same process but it does get easier. And the awareness, generosity and growth that goes with it is totally worth it.
I wish you a very guilt free trip into this life !
